Friday, October 22, 2004
Ramblings of one deranged
Philosphical mood today.......
I've been thinking... about what points there are in life... frustrating myself with the what-ifs, could-have-beens, or the should-bes existing in my life....
I frustrate myself simply because I feel as though I'm wasting my life here, when all I really want to do is grow up, see the world... help people... I guess, though, I'll have to stick it out... this is where I'm meant to be... and as I watch the rubber glove/water balloons that splash on the ground four storeys beneath, I wonder what the point of everything is. Is the point of stealing gloves from the sigma labs to make water bombs so that you can scare the hell out of people? Or is it the splat it makes on the ground? I might have a point... maybe not... we do so many weird things in life... and half of them are pointless... Macbeth... "Out, Out, brief flame!"... a player who takes his turn on the stage and then forgotten.... such foresight...
I'm sad... and I don't know why... one could say that it's because I've been waking up in the middle of the night to study and do my work... maybe it's because I have a crush and don't know how to deal with it... maybe it's because I want love... not the sweet, intangible kind of God's love, but human, imperfect love... I don't know... I see things everyday... and half the time I feel like this... and young and silly and ignorant... but...
Am I emptying out my heart? I sound like a complete fool... I feel as though I'm the worst actor in life(taking that metaphor from macbeth)... blunders... foolish comments... insensitive statements... who am I? I'm lost... and I feel as though I haven't found me again... or even if I have, it's slipped through my fingers time and again...
I've been thinking... about what points there are in life... frustrating myself with the what-ifs, could-have-beens, or the should-bes existing in my life....
I frustrate myself simply because I feel as though I'm wasting my life here, when all I really want to do is grow up, see the world... help people... I guess, though, I'll have to stick it out... this is where I'm meant to be... and as I watch the rubber glove/water balloons that splash on the ground four storeys beneath, I wonder what the point of everything is. Is the point of stealing gloves from the sigma labs to make water bombs so that you can scare the hell out of people? Or is it the splat it makes on the ground? I might have a point... maybe not... we do so many weird things in life... and half of them are pointless... Macbeth... "Out, Out, brief flame!"... a player who takes his turn on the stage and then forgotten.... such foresight...
I'm sad... and I don't know why... one could say that it's because I've been waking up in the middle of the night to study and do my work... maybe it's because I have a crush and don't know how to deal with it... maybe it's because I want love... not the sweet, intangible kind of God's love, but human, imperfect love... I don't know... I see things everyday... and half the time I feel like this... and young and silly and ignorant... but...
Am I emptying out my heart? I sound like a complete fool... I feel as though I'm the worst actor in life(taking that metaphor from macbeth)... blunders... foolish comments... insensitive statements... who am I? I'm lost... and I feel as though I haven't found me again... or even if I have, it's slipped through my fingers time and again...
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