Friday, October 22, 2004
Ramblings of one deranged
Philosphical mood today.......
I've been thinking... about what points there are in life... frustrating myself with the what-ifs, could-have-beens, or the should-bes existing in my life....
I frustrate myself simply because I feel as though I'm wasting my life here, when all I really want to do is grow up, see the world... help people... I guess, though, I'll have to stick it out... this is where I'm meant to be... and as I watch the rubber glove/water balloons that splash on the ground four storeys beneath, I wonder what the point of everything is. Is the point of stealing gloves from the sigma labs to make water bombs so that you can scare the hell out of people? Or is it the splat it makes on the ground? I might have a point... maybe not... we do so many weird things in life... and half of them are pointless... Macbeth... "Out, Out, brief flame!"... a player who takes his turn on the stage and then forgotten.... such foresight...
I'm sad... and I don't know why... one could say that it's because I've been waking up in the middle of the night to study and do my work... maybe it's because I have a crush and don't know how to deal with it... maybe it's because I want love... not the sweet, intangible kind of God's love, but human, imperfect love... I don't know... I see things everyday... and half the time I feel like this... and young and silly and ignorant... but...
Am I emptying out my heart? I sound like a complete fool... I feel as though I'm the worst actor in life(taking that metaphor from macbeth)... blunders... foolish comments... insensitive statements... who am I? I'm lost... and I feel as though I haven't found me again... or even if I have, it's slipped through my fingers time and again...
I've been thinking... about what points there are in life... frustrating myself with the what-ifs, could-have-beens, or the should-bes existing in my life....
I frustrate myself simply because I feel as though I'm wasting my life here, when all I really want to do is grow up, see the world... help people... I guess, though, I'll have to stick it out... this is where I'm meant to be... and as I watch the rubber glove/water balloons that splash on the ground four storeys beneath, I wonder what the point of everything is. Is the point of stealing gloves from the sigma labs to make water bombs so that you can scare the hell out of people? Or is it the splat it makes on the ground? I might have a point... maybe not... we do so many weird things in life... and half of them are pointless... Macbeth... "Out, Out, brief flame!"... a player who takes his turn on the stage and then forgotten.... such foresight...
I'm sad... and I don't know why... one could say that it's because I've been waking up in the middle of the night to study and do my work... maybe it's because I have a crush and don't know how to deal with it... maybe it's because I want love... not the sweet, intangible kind of God's love, but human, imperfect love... I don't know... I see things everyday... and half the time I feel like this... and young and silly and ignorant... but...
Am I emptying out my heart? I sound like a complete fool... I feel as though I'm the worst actor in life(taking that metaphor from macbeth)... blunders... foolish comments... insensitive statements... who am I? I'm lost... and I feel as though I haven't found me again... or even if I have, it's slipped through my fingers time and again...
Sunday, October 17, 2004
Haven't blogged for quite a while... lalalala... I forget half of what I want to write all the time...
Open day yesterday was fun... erm... cookies were nice.. they became my breakfast and lunch... and I'm now quite sick of it... still have the cookies my mum brought back from england though... haha... shall bring them for college pub... and see how everyone reacts to it there... cos I think some of us are quite sick of cookies now :P
The tableau thing was ok... only that stupid prats would come along and untie my showelace, or poke fun at all of us... some even took pictures!!! haha... anyways, to be honest, I did try to irritate those people doing the tableau when it wasn't my turn...
went home after that and slept.... was really tired cos I'd been baking like crazy the day before... stupid ducro didn't really endear himself to us... namely Myself, Yi Hern and I think Annabel and Andrew as well... he came up to the debate and college pub booths and sampled the cookies there... and when I asked him how the cookies were he said that the cookies at the college pub booth were terrible while those at the debate booth was better... then he found out that I had baked the college pub cookies so he changed his mind and said that the college pub ones were good, while the debate ones sucked... idiot... I baked half the cookies that were lying at the debate booth (Mei San did the rest) and all of the ones at the college pub side... chances were that they were the same cookies from the same batch, if not, same recipe!!!
It was quite fun overall, I think... haha... have to start pia-ing for tests and homework and CA now... hopefully the J1s can help with the CA Grayvine CD... It sucked so badly when I did it... not a surprise to me that the teachers didn't really like it... but then, I only finished it 2 hours within the given deadline... worked on it at night... survived on 5 hours of sleep within 48 hours... became a dead duck by the time it was done... so yeah...
Open day yesterday was fun... erm... cookies were nice.. they became my breakfast and lunch... and I'm now quite sick of it... still have the cookies my mum brought back from england though... haha... shall bring them for college pub... and see how everyone reacts to it there... cos I think some of us are quite sick of cookies now :P
The tableau thing was ok... only that stupid prats would come along and untie my showelace, or poke fun at all of us... some even took pictures!!! haha... anyways, to be honest, I did try to irritate those people doing the tableau when it wasn't my turn...
went home after that and slept.... was really tired cos I'd been baking like crazy the day before... stupid ducro didn't really endear himself to us... namely Myself, Yi Hern and I think Annabel and Andrew as well... he came up to the debate and college pub booths and sampled the cookies there... and when I asked him how the cookies were he said that the cookies at the college pub booth were terrible while those at the debate booth was better... then he found out that I had baked the college pub cookies so he changed his mind and said that the college pub ones were good, while the debate ones sucked... idiot... I baked half the cookies that were lying at the debate booth (Mei San did the rest) and all of the ones at the college pub side... chances were that they were the same cookies from the same batch, if not, same recipe!!!
It was quite fun overall, I think... haha... have to start pia-ing for tests and homework and CA now... hopefully the J1s can help with the CA Grayvine CD... It sucked so badly when I did it... not a surprise to me that the teachers didn't really like it... but then, I only finished it 2 hours within the given deadline... worked on it at night... survived on 5 hours of sleep within 48 hours... became a dead duck by the time it was done... so yeah...
Saturday, October 02, 2004
I love youth service... not for the worship... not for the sermons(pretty moring... unfortunately) but because I can talk to God. And I just realised how often I can just stand there in His presence let him tell me what to do, and what to say. I guess I've never stopped talking to him in order to listen to what He wants me to do... and when we were singing 'still' just now I saw this image of this bird flying throughthe storm, then being flipped over by the wind and being sucked down into the stormy sea... then a Hand just reaches out and catches the bird and cradles it... and there's no longer the cold wind that tears through the bird, but a warm strength that encompasses it... and then... later on... God says: I gave you the talents to write, love, and tell. Use them to glorify Me. You are the instrument of My power. Know then that I am with you always and that I am always with you. One other thing he told me was: put your faith in Me, and I will make you a leader of You people. I'm not sure of what he means... and only time will tell... but... just knowing he's around me is enough. The reason why I want to bnlog this is so that I'll remember it when I need it the most... and so that I can listen... and love... and show His love.
Hide me now
Under Your wing
Cover me
Within your mighty hand
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the strom
Father You are King over the flood
I will be still and know You are God
Find rest, my soul
in Christ alone
Know His power
in quietness and trust
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still and know You are God
Hide me now
Under Your wing
Cover me
Within your mighty hand
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the strom
Father You are King over the flood
I will be still and know You are God
Find rest, my soul
in Christ alone
Know His power
in quietness and trust
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still and know You are God
